Breastfeeding Grief

For 36 months, I nursed our son every day. I naively thought that once we concluded this journey, I'd be celebrating with backflips and champagne. While I am now, it wasn't always this way. Let me share how I started experiencing deep grief from breastfeeding without realizing it.

About 5 months before our son turned 3, everyday I would tell him "When you turn 3 years old you have to say "bye bye" to mommy's milk". And everyday he would say "ok mommy, I can do it". I was excited; I even started writing a children's book throughout the weaning journey—check back in a few months—to help other mothers. Time crept up so fast. Before I knew it, we were three days away from our stopping point. I was happy, but I also felt this feeling in my chest. It felt like anxiety and sadness. Honestly, I'm getting a little teary-eyed now as I type this. I nursed our son to sleep for the last time on his birthday two months ago.

Here comes the sadness.

During the first week or two, I figured my son would still want to nurse. I'd have to say no, he'd cry, I'd cry, and so on. I was ready to curl up in my husband's arms and cry because I had to decline nursing. Even though I anticipated this, it still caught me by surprise. Kind of like preparing for a baby's arrival by buying clothes, diapers, and bottles, yet when the baby arrives, you're like, "Oh damn! This is real!'. Once we made it to weeks 3 and 4, I would just find myself sad at random moments throughout the day. I could be on the phone laughing my heart out and would all of a sudden be overtaken with a feeling of sadness. I just brushed it off for a few days until one day I broke down.

I knew something was up because I wasn't joking around with my husband like I normally do. I also didn't feel like talking much. Again, I just brushed it off, thinking, "It's probably just my period coming." One afternoon, after putting our son down for his nap, I closed his door and found myself on my knees, crying. I headed to the shower, my usual crying spot, and stayed there for maybe 45 minutes. I honestly thought I might be dealing with PPD because these feelings would hit me out of nowhere at any time of the day. At that point I was like "Let me call my husband, because something ain't right."

What's wrong with me?

I called my husband crying so hard he thought someone had died. We talked for a few minutes and I told him how I had been feeling and that I didn't know why. His next words immediately sent me into a state of stillness. He said "It's probably because you stopped breastfeeding". Y'all, my flabbers were gasted because ain't no way I'm crying over something I was ready to stop doing. I hopped on google so fast asking myself "can this really be a thing?". And sure enough it was!

Here's what Google said: Breastfeeding establishes a significant physical and emotional connection between a mother and her child. The conclusion of such an intimate chapter is irreplaceable. The sense of loss extends beyond the act itself and may also encompass:

• The closeness shared with your child

• Your identity in the nurturing role

• This stage of your child's infancy

• Your child's dependency on you in this way

After reading that and a few other articles, it all made sense. Follow me if you can, shortly after my grandmother passed, I started experiencing daily headaches. And i’m not talking about a regular headache, I mean head, eyes, and neck hurting constantly. I had sooo many doctor’s appointments within a 2 month span. It got to a point where my PCP scheduled me a sleep study. And when that didn’t give the answer, she sent me to a neurologist.

The neurologist ran tests that all came back normal. She was so confused. She said “Shannon on paper you seek fine, but let me ask you some questions”.

We talked about my life, we talked about covid, then we talked about my grandma. Then a light bulb went off. She said to me “Shannon, I’m almost 100% sure these headaches are due to stress”. I was confused because I didn’t feel stressed. Even with my granny passing, life seemed normal. She explained to me that even when we don’t realize it, our brain can be stressed out and it will present itself in a number of different ways, one being headaches. She also told me that some people internalize stress by subconsciously ignoring it until it rears its head externally.

I said all of that to say, the anxiety and sadness I felt was a direct response to the end of our breastfeeding journey. I just didn’t make the connection right away.

You'll be fine.

Here we are 8 weeks later and I'm a feeling great. My milk has dried up and both my son and I are sleeping through the night without waking each other. My boobs are MINE AGAIN!! Mamas, let me encourage you if you're starting your weaning journey soon or if you're in the thick of it, you're gonna be ok!!

Here's a few things I'm doing that have helped me along this journey:

• Let myself feel sad without judging it.

• I talk about how I feel to people who understood.

• I was patient with myself. I'm still being patient with myself

• I connect with our son in new ways.

During our conversation, my husband made me realize two things: grief doesn't always require tragedy, and the fact that weaning was planned for us doesn't make the loss less real. So no matter how crazy you may feel, know that your feelings are valid and this feeling of grief wont last forever.